Hot take: self improvement is making you miserable

Okay maybe that’s a little harsh. But hear me out.

I love self improvement. I really do. Maybe it’s because, as a slightly anxious girly, it gives me a (probably false) sense of being in control.

Quick disclaimer: I’m a huge advocate for creating a better life for yourself. I whole heartedly believe that you have the power to change your reality.

But, I think there’s an economy of scale at play here. Last August I turned 30, and I really felt a strong pull (and still do) to create the life of my dreams. I wanted to live a life that I was proud of - a career that lit me the F up, the body I’ve always wanted, a bank account that I was actually excited to open, and the type of love that I’ve been craving, all while living in my dream apartment.

I found myself diving into the deep end of self improvement content. I’ve found some incredible creators who really resonate for me. One of my favorite rituals has become listening to a podcast that I can learn from while drinking my morning coffee.

The problem is that self improvement content became all that I was listening to.

How to heal your hormone health. How to build generational wealth. How to quit your shitty job and build a career that you love. Every angle of self improvement you can think of, I was consuming it.

What I’m just now realizing is that all of these topics come with the same (maybe not so) subtle message: you have to fix yourself.

Is self improvement 2026’s version of Shape magazine?

Society has come such a long way from the triple zero, straight hair standard that I grew up with. But I’d like to make the argument that self improvement culture is just the same message in many different forms of clothing. It’s designed to keep you striving to fix yourself (whether in health, finance, relationships, etc), keep you miserable, and keep you buying. We’re on a never ending hamster wheel.

Last month I started to realize that life was just feeling a little flat. February in Boston feels heavy. I hadn’t seen the sun in 6 months. I was waking up, meditating, working a 9-5 I hated and moonlighting a side hustle. Then I would work out and come home to cook my perfectly optimized dinner for hormone health. I ended the night with journaling, and then neatly tucked myself into bed, safe and unscathed.

If I was doing all of the things that I was supposed to be doing, then why was I feeling so unexcited?

I was in limbo - that time period where you’ve outgrown your current life but your new life hasn’t quite arrived yet. Point blank: life just didn’t feel fun. And why would it? I wasn’t doing anything to make it fun.

It’s obvious now that in the pursuit of building the life of my dreams, I had become so obsessed with bettering myself that I was actually enjoying absolutely none of it. I had lost the plot.

My mind was constantly consumed with how I was going to get to the next level. Lose the next 5 pounds. Make it to my savings goal. Go on at least 1 good date this month (which, newsflash - I have very little control over). I think the part that always feels hardest is when you’re really giving it your best effort, but your external reality is showing you no change.

I had stopped discovering what even made me, me. Sure, I knew that I loved wellness. I knew that I loved music. I knew that a slow morning was my favorite time of the day. But I wasn’t really having new experiences that allowed me to meet new parts of myself because I was too busy optimizing and preparing for my perfect life to show up.

On the phone with my mom the other day, I was telling her that I felt like nothing was working. That it all felt like an uphill battle. And she said something that 5 year old me really needed to hear: for the next few weeks, I want you to stop striving.

That’s it. Slow the hell down.

It’s so refreshing to hear that someone you really loves wants you to do less, not more.

I’m working on adopting a new outlook: instead of trying to become a future version of you, just figure out what you actually like in this current moment. As the you you are right now. It shifts the perspective from striving into presence. How can you become the most you, you?

And guess what - I picked up one of my coffee table books and literally remembered that I love interior design. Yes - in my stressed out state, I had literally forgotten an entire topic that I love.

When I ran out of my favorite shows to watch (an absolutely tragic occurrence), I turned on the Vogue documentary on Hulu (highly rec). It lit up a part of my brain that I didn’t know existed. I’ve never considered myself a fashion girl. I think my interpretation was that fashion was out there and loud. 90s fashion was not. I was hooked.

The next night, I made it a point to pull together a new outfit to go out to dinner with a good friend. I wore a new skirt and pulled a bag out of my closet that I bought over 10 years ago in Italy. And let me tell you - the absolute thrill that I got from creating an outfit that I felt so good in, out of a bunch of mismatched items that I hadn’t looked at in months, if not years!

In the last few weeks I’ve also discovered that writing in pink pen makes me significantly happier than any other color. If I could tell my 10 year old self that at 30 I’d be wearing skirts and writing in pink, she would never believe me.

My point is that making life more fun in the small moments has helped my mental health 10x more than any of the self improvement podcasts I’ve ever listened to.

Striving for more is important, just don’t forget to enjoy your life now, too.